Listen: A powerful new book about life, death, relationships, mental health and how to talk about what matters – from the Sunday Times bestselling author ... to Find the Words for Tender Conversations

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Grief is not an illness, it is a response to loss. The grief will last as long as the loss does, and after a death the loss will last for ever. The loss permeates a bereaved person’s present, their memories of the past and their expectations of their future. Although they will eventually find their pain is a smaller component of their everyday life, it is not going to leave them completely. … They will not ‘get over it’ despite encountering many people who tell them that they should. Grief is a process that will eventually enable them to live alongside the loss. It will take the time it takes.” Her book comes out at a very important time as so many have had to face ideas of mortality with the pandemic, when there are many more unwell people right now and when increasingly people are struggling with their mental health. The book is told mostly through a series of case studies that range from conversations with relative Stories help us to make sense of the world, and our experiences within it, from a very young age. Sometimes things go round and round in our head, and we can’t make sense of them; we can’t get hold of the threads and tease them out. But as soon as someone engages us in a conversation in which we can explain our dilemma – and plant it out, one stepping stone at a time in front of us – they help us.

Powerful, humane and wise’ JULIA SAMUEL ‘Everyone should read it’ NIGELLA LAWSON ‘Beautiful … This is a book for everyone. You feel held by it’ PHILIPPA PERRY Most of us have a conversation we’re avoiding. Many police officers will recall the first ‘death message’ they delivered. In chapter three, ‘Building bridges’, the author recalls running away from a difficult conversation with a patient who asked her if she was going to die. Despite knowing this was very likely, Dr Mannix replied, ‘of course not’, removing the patient’s opportunity to say goodbye to her family. The patient died the following morning. Listening is something I believe I'm good at - I've completed a basic counselling course, and still remember some of the basics. I like to try and pay attention when someone is talking, trying not to interrupt and to be active and ask questions. But after reading these books, I realise that listening skills are a tool that I need to continually sharpen, and I have a lot of learning to do, and definitely need to read a few more books on active listening. Overwhelmingly Kathryn Mannix's compassion comes over in this book as it did in the previous one. If I were in a highly challenging situation I know of no one else I would rather have in the room. 4.5/5 This is one of those books about listening that should be in every school, workplace, every home. It will also give you the confidence in your newly found listening skills to approach friends, family, or even strangers and ask them the three little words that can make such a difference to a person's life: Are you alright?

"We can't always make it better. But we can always hold space for it."

Her book comes out at a very important time as so many have had to face ideas of mortality with the pandemic, when there are many more unwell people right now and when increasingly people are struggling with their mental health. The book is told mostly through a series of case studies that range from conversations with relatives, patients, friends and strangers too.

When a doctor examines a tender tummy, he needs to be careful not to make the pain worse. We need to take the same care when approaching someone’s emotional pain, advises Kathryn. stay clear of terms like ‘the deceased, the body’ or defining them by their relationship to the person receiving the news – use the dead person’s name, as it really does make a difference What is the person you are speaking to telling you that you didn’t know before? How do they see the situation? How are they feeling? Use your curiosity to ask questions about their ideas, hopes and fears. Teenagers, in particular, often feel misunderstood and “talked at” rather than listened-to, but demonstrating genuine curiosity can help them to explore their own experiences. Respecting silence can be a challenge if there are several people in the conversation. You may need to be explicit, saying: “Let’s give each other time to think” or “I think we need a moment of quiet now”. Support, don’t ‘fix’

Be compassionate for her situation but do not make the mistake of asking yourself how the situation would affect you if she were your sister, your friend, yourself. Your own sorrows will come in good time; don't be in a hurry for them.’ Loneliness Including her own personal stories works so well, even showing us when she hasn’t used the skills herself, most notably on one occasion when she fails to tell a terminally ill woman she is dying. And it was hard not to be moved by the man determined to shave himself, a finally act of dignity before he died. I really liked the analogy of dancing and conversation - there are lots of different components, and the speaker and the listener can fall into step together. One area mentioned was one I had not come across before. This was the use of fairly formalised and trained peer to peer and teacher "listening". While this wasn't a difficult read it did leave me with a real hope for the future of listening rather more generally. Be compassionate for her situation but do not make the mistake of asking yourself how the situation would affect you if she were your sister, your friend, yourself. Your own sorrows will come in good time; don't be in a hurry for them.’

We’re walking alongside something that’s very painful or difficult for the person to whom we’re listening, and therefore tenderness is our respect for the presence of their pain; the closeness of their pain.”As a palliative care doctor, Mannix has talked to countless families about the death of a loved one. She realized that the techniques that she's learned are "not just about end of life conversations, but about all those conversations that we feel a bit daunted about." Like her first book, Listen offers the reader insight and comfort and a useful tool in each individual’s attempt to be supportive when confronted with difficult conversations and situations. I heartily recommend it. When I started reading this, I was a few weeks into my current placement where I have been working with individuals with social and emotional mental health needs and adverse childhood experiences. I was so worried that I would say the wrong things to these people and cause further upset in their life that I didn't stop to think about what they might say to me and how my response could potentially have a similar effect. Our ability to remain alongside as they experience their emotional storm does not lessen their distress, but it prevents the additional pain of feeling abandoned in a place of suffering.”

It’s not a bad thing if strong emotions are expressed during a difficult discussion: don’t try to close them down by offering reassurance or advice. Be a quiet companion to those in distress; if they cry or rage, or fall helplessly silent, stay present and validate what they feel. Useful phrases include: “It’s OK to feel like this”, “I’m sorry this is so upsetting” or “I’m glad you can talk about this with me”. Silence is often where we do our thinking. We can support someone without interrupting their flow of thoughts by saying simple phrases that show we are maintaining attention: “Take your time”; “I’m not in a hurry”; “This needs some thought”. This is especially helpful when you can’t see each other – for example, during a phone call. By bringing together stories with a lifetime's experience working in medicine and the newest psychology, Mannix offers lessons for how we can better speak our mind and help when others need to. So that's my list of books about listening that I have found useful. The difference between active vs passive listening is that we don't just sit there nodding, never responding or asking questions. We engage with the speaker, showing empathy and understanding and letting them know that we are present and aware.Many of us think we are engaged listeners. Letting the other person speak, nodding when we need to, and paying just enough attention to be able to respond to what they are saying. But the reality is that many of us don't know the difference between active vs passive listening. This is a book about empathy, about supporting people – whether they are your family, friends, or patients. From the best-selling author of With the End in Mind , this is a book about the conversations that matter and how to have them better - more honestly, more confidently and without regret.