Daft Dictionary (Microfax Jokes Books)

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A 10-foot rope ladder hangs over the side of a boat with the bottom rung on the surface of the water. The rungs are one foot apart, and the tide goes up at the rate of 6 inches per hour. How long will it be until three rungs are covered?

Neither one because the accountant was his sister. 82. Uncle Ray’s farm had a terrible storm hit and now all but seven sheep were killed. How many sheep are left alive? My ex-girlfriend would always ask me to text her when I got in. That’s how small my penis is.” Rhys James (2015) My sister had a baby and they took a while to name her and I was like, ‘Hurry up!’ because I didn’t want my niece to grow up to be one of these kids you hear about on the news where it says, ‘The 17 year old defendant, who hasn’t been named’.” Jenny Collier (2016) If a monkey, a squirrel, and a bird are racing to the top of a coconut tree, who will get the banana first?Bookkeeper 104. There are eight men sitting on a couch. Three legs break off and six men leave. How many legs are remaining? The match. 73. If you spell “sit in the tub” as s-o-a-k, and you spell “a funny story” as j-o-k-e, how do you spell “the white of an egg”? Seven (take away the ‘s’ and it becomes ‘even’). 30. I’m light as a feather, but not even the strongest girl can hold me for more than 5 minutes. What am I? What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

She sleeps at night. 9. You spot a boat full of people but there isn’t a single person on board. How is that possible?Short. 33. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Wednesday, Friday, and Sunday? The anti-ageing advert that I would like to see is a baby covered in cream saying, ‘Aah, I’ve used too much'” Andrew Bird (2008)

A cement mixer collided with a prison van. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.” – Peter Kay I don’t have the Protestant work ethic, I have the Catholic work ethic; in that I don’t work but I do feel very guilty about that.” Rory O’Keeffe (2016) Footprints. 48. I have all the knowledge you have. But I’m so small, you can hold me in your fist. What am I? I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said ‘Analogue?’ I said ‘No, just a watch.'” – Tim Vine Miley Cyrus. You know when she was born? 1992. I’ve got condiments in my cupboard older than that.” Lucy Beaumont (2014) Josie Long is performing for three nights only at this year’s Edinburgh Fringe (Photo: Idil Sukan)Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon? The food was good, but there really wasn’t much atmosphere. There is one more penny in 1968 than in 1967. 103. What English word has three consecutive double letters? Working at the Jobcentre has to be a tense job – knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.” Adam Rowe (2018) You just know Chilcot was up until 4am, downing Red Bulls and trying to crank out the last 800,000 words.” Alex Kealy (2016)

What is the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, the other is a shaving roman.Insomnia is awful. But on the plus side – only three more sleeps till Christmas.” Robert Garnham (2017) In my last relationship, I hated being treated like a piece of meat. She was a vegan and refused to touch me.” Daniel Audritt (2018)