The Art of Receiving and Giving: The Wheel of Consent

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The Wheel of Consent® is a groundbreaking framework and awareness practice developed by Dr. Betty Martin. Since its inception, it has been brought into schools, universities, therapist programs, and organizations around the world and reshaped how therapeutic practitioners are trained. Challenge patterns of pleasing others or crossing over their own boundaries. To safely practice articulating their ‘no’. This is the body of work I have have been developing over the last dozen years, which I call the Wheel of Consent. The videos are fine, the ideas are fine – but it’s the experience of it that will change you. A few years ago, writing my book, I took a couple weeks off to make a few short videos so all the folks who were asking about it and wanted to use it and share it, could do so. Of course, that took about 8 months longer than I’d planned, but here it is – all 7 hours or so.

A question people often ask about the Wheel of Consent is “But if we are having sex, shouldn’t it be for both of us? Why would it only be for one of us?” And they are right - it is important that if two people are sharing physical intimacy, it should be ‘for’ both of them, i.e. it is something they both really want to do. In brief, the four quadrants are separated into two pairs. Giving-Receiving and Taking-Allowing. In the giving-receiving dynamic, the person who is the receiver asks for the kind of touch they would like to receive from the giver, for their own pleasure. In turn, the giver takes some time to feel into the request and, if they genuinely want to give this gift and it would feel good to them too, would give the kind of touch to the receiver that was asked for. For example, the receiver may ask: “Would you stroke my hand for three minutes for my own pleasure?” and the giver may reply: “Yes, I’d love to”.I'm not bothered about the party but am assuming Sally really wants to go. Sally's not bothered about the party either, but assumes I really want to go (it's not for either of us). February 28 - March 3, 2024: Te Whanganui-a-Tara/Wellington, NZ with Michael Dresser and Stella Topaz - Applications open

Another question people often ask about the Wheel of Consent is ‘’How can I tell whether I am feeling a ‘want to’, a ‘willing to’, or a ‘not willing to’?”

Here is a simple example: I ask John if I can place my hand on his knee, and he replies, “Sure, that’s fine”. On the face of it, we seem to have consent. But the Wheel of Consent says our agreement is not complete until we have also answered the question, “Who is it for?” Generosity – being able to give with a full heart, without the need to get anything in exchange; setting aside what we want to allow another to find what they want It is never your fault if you have been sexually assaulted. It can be important to talk to someone about what has happened. This could be someone in your life like a family member, a school counsellor, or you could call a phone line like the Klinic Sexual Assault Crisis Line. It’s a great resource that people can call if they need to talk. It is open 24/7 and free to call from anywhere in Manitoba. Their phone number is 1-888-292-7565 or (204) 786-8631. The Wheel of Consent also applies to non-touch situations. Here’s an example: I ask Sally to come with me to a friend’s party, and Sally replies, ‘Yes, I will’. Now let’s consider ‘Who is this for?’ Here are four possibilities:

Below is a simplified image of the Wheel of Consent, based on exchanging touch. Practising simple exchanges of touch on the hand and/or fore-arm is one way of learning the Wheel of Consent. The Wheel is also an embodied practice, which uses breath and awareness to help develop more noticing of our feelings and body sensations. Creating space for the more challenging dynamics is a great way to learn how to negotiate less comfortable sexual situations. The starting point of knowing that it is the more difficult dynamic or aspect of a dynamic for you can make it easier to express fears and reservations. It can also help you to be kind to yourself when you are trying to talk it through. These four quadrant names, Giving, Taking, Receiving and Allowing can be applied to non-touch interactions as well as touch-based ones. For example, you can Give someone a massage, and you can also Give them a birthday present.This has been a very short introduction to the Wheel of Consent, which is about so much more than just saying ‘Yes’ or ‘No’. Rather, it is both a conceptual map, and an embodied experience, which can fundamentally change the way we experience and relate to ourselves, and each other, in all areas of our lives; from friends, to family, to work colleagues, to our most intimate relationships. Consent is also not simply something which is simply 'granted' or 'revoked'. Rather, it is a process of mutually coming to agreement (or not) with others. The Wheel of Consent provides a clear and insightful map to support and shine a light on this process. Teaches you the four quadrants of the Wheel – how to find them, feel them in your body, and see where they can take you Overcome stalemate when facing a mis-match in desire. This is particularly helpful when negotiating sexual relationships in which a person has a kink that their partner(s) don’t share or where one partner is a-sexual.