The PDA Paradox: The Highs and Lows of My Life on a Little-Known Part of the Autism Spectrum

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I also find exercise extremely helpful in reducing impulsive urges – I never leave the house unless ive exercised first. Its been a hard battle for me as I have always been naturally avoidant of exercise, due to heightened sensory exp meaning its more uncomfortable – muscle/body pain more painful/heightened, + coordination, + autistic inertia. But you’re right. There’s huge potential for autistic RATIONAL demand avoidance to be seen as a pathology people try to train out of them instead of understanding their sensory, social, and personal needs. It’s a complicated issue all around. Having PDA doesn’t mean that you avoid every single demand/potential demand that you come across. It’s fluid. When you are less anxious and are in control, the need to resist the demand – to gain control – is far less than the times when you feel out of your comfort zone and your need for control is sky high. With this comes a much better chance to be able to do the things you want to do. There is debate about the existence of pathological demand avoidance (PDA) and whether or not it is an autistic profile. We’ve promised to update the community as we continue to look into the issue from all sides.

A really salient example is a woman who was told by her boss (along with an entire workforce, so not just personally to her) to try and get bathroom trips in at a certain time (to reduce lines during breaks that prevented everyone from being able to go). The advice actually was just giving people permission to know they didn’t have to wait for break times to go to the restroom, but she wouldn’t do it. She kept developing UTIs and even had some accidents at work because she just couldn’t stand feeling like she had to use the restroom on a schedule. This was one of many examples that eventually led to losing a position at work. I listened so intently that I listened to the whole audiobook in two sessions; only stopping the first day (yesterday) when I could no longer ignore my earth suit’s nagging incessancy for basic needs. Reduce the pressure and, therefore, the demand to attend. If your friends know you and accept you for who you are, they will be fine with this. I don't know what it will look like going forward as I have to find a way to keep providing a safe space for him while being able to work as well, but it has given me hope. When you are feeling very anxious or overwhelmed, remove all demands, or at least reduce them as much as you can.Being a mum to a teenage PDA son is life-changing, and at times, utterly heart-wrenching experience. Seeing Harry through his own candid, entertaining and diplomatic lens, fills me with hope, quiet optimism, and (most importantly) confidence for my own son's future. Thank you Harry for your insight. -- Natasha, PDA mum I have a very dear friend who has ‘Jo cards’ that she uses when I am either going too far or if one of my impulsive ideas is totally nuts and something that I will later regret. Yes, these cards can be seen as a demand, but I have total control over whether I listen to her or not. I have sat down to write this article over a dozen times, have had the words clearly in my head; but when I have found a quiet moment with my laptop, a wall drops down between what I want to do and actually being able to do it. I am an autistic with a PDA profile and sometimes the demand of doing even something that I really want to do is impossible. Bless your heart for writing on this, it made me laugh. And if all fails — may I make a suggestion, it could be your 16th point. I wont be PDA about how right I* am on this point…but 16 should be “If all fails, start laughing uncontrollably and with a robust for the joy of it.”

I can relate to that woman – its completely understandable. Its her body, and someone trying to govern when she can use her bladder is toxic – she should be allowed autonomy and the ability to use this basic right at her own discretion/as need be. Its not appropriate of her boss to say that. A lot of autistic people have had very negative experiences with authority which was not about them, a lot of autistic people have extremely pathological parental relationships where there are major boundary issues, abuse, and toxic desires to silence, control, bully, shame and suppress autistic people doing what is normal and needed for them. If they like being in the garden; cordon off a section of the garden that they can do what they like with (as long as it’s not very dangerous to themselves or others). DO NOT interfere with their section unless they have specifically asked you for help. Let them be in charge of what film is watched on movie night or what takeaway you are going to have for dinner.

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I don’t know about you, but I have very poor impulse control which has led to me painfully regretting some of my impulsive decisions. If you have someone you trust who is sensible and has your best interests at heart, just run your more extreme impulses by them before jumping in head first. It is a liberating experience reading someone else’s words and finding them to resonate in your bones like they could be talking specifically about you.Having a range of things that you can be in control of will help to keep your anxiety down, and you can go to these things and tinker when you feel a little anxious. We believe that PDA exists as a neurodivergent phenomenon, but not that it is exclusive to autistic people. We feel more research is needed to determine if PDA is a distinct condition or an interaction of co-occurring conditions.

But these things are awful for PDAers. By trying to enforce these things, all it does is cause them a great deal of anxiety, often leading to them lashing out or being in a great deal of distress. It also leads to a great deal of stress for you and the potential of being hurt when they do lash out.Having a card shown to me is often like splashing water on my face. It alerts me to look at what I’m doing and assess it with clarity rather than slapdash over excitement. Hilarious…love your stuff. Its taken me sixty-five years to come to this conclusion about my self. I always used the adage ” Eh.. (I’m Canadian)…I’m a free spirit”. My wife says “Rebel Without a Clue” as a twist of that old 1955 movie with James Dean. The main strategy, in my opinion, is to reduce as much anxiety as you can. Again, I know how easy that sounds and how difficult it is in practice, but read on. Go to school. Get a job. Get married. Buy a house. Have children. Have the same cookie-cutter life as all the Smiths and the Joneses. I tried, HARD, to fit into these moulds but always ended up sabotaging them or only being able to do them for a short time before the need to do something else took over. Regarding PDA children and teenagers: I know the bedtime battles that you have with them as they see an enforced bedtime as a HUGE demand.