Daring To Take Up Space

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Suppose you have to strive to prove your worthiness constantly. In that case, it will be challenging for you to be playful, spontaneous, or creative, relax in relationships, and produce original, impactful work.

Many people who have not known how to take up space for years feel empty and lost in their identity. You may think you need to know who you are and feel secure before expressing yourself or socialising. However, if you wait until you are ready, you may never be. Honing the skill of self-awareness is a good start. This means getting to know your feelings, beliefs, habits, and particular emotional triggers and reactions. When you understand your feelings and preferences, you can figure out how to express them in healthy ways. Remember, there are no “bad” feelings. Even often dismissed emotions like anger and sadness have value and serve an essential function. I so clearly remember what it was like, being young and always in the grip of some big fat daydream. I wanted to be a writer always, but more than that, I wanted to have an extraordinary life. I’m sure I dreamed it a million different ways, and that plenty of them were ridiculous, but I think the daydreams were training for writing, and I also think they spurred me to pursue my dreams for real.Because narcissistic parents are often controlling and possessive and like to tell their children how to live, their children may be deprived of the opportunity to develop their sense of self. They may grow up without the chance to discover who they are, their likes and dislikes, and their interests. A child damaged by a narcissistic parent feels that they have lost their identity. They may not be allowed to have their thoughts or feelings and are constantly ridiculed and repressed. As a result, they may feel chronically empty inside, as if they do not know who they are. Identity confusion leads to difficulties in taking up space that is rightfully theirs. Do you find it hard to engage in any self-promotion, even in situations where it is appropriate, like a job interview? When we speak of space, we usually refer to the physical territory occupied by an individual or group. But space is not only physical; it can also be psychological, emotional and relational. Psychological space is the “real estate” we use to express our thoughts and feelings. Taking up space is essential to our well-being and can be used to protect us from intrusion and boundary violations. In a relational field, we might take up space by drawing attention to ourselves and being the centre of attention, talking about ourselves in conversations, using our posture to exude confidence, looking others in the eye, expressing a strong emotion, expressing a strong opinion, etc. When someone takes up space, they assert their presence and confidence, honing their voice and protecting themselves from intrusions from others. Are you afraid of silence? Do you fill your life with work, social engagement and activities so you will never have space? Another reason parents suppress a gifted child’s ability to shine is that they feel intimidated. If you were a gifted child – whether intellectually, emotionally, or spiritually – your parents may not have intended to hurt you, and they may not have been aware that they were constantly silencing you. But because they were uncomfortable being seen through and confronted continuously with your radical honesty, they tried subtly or explicitly to keep you from voicing your views. Moreover, if they do not have a good relationship with their emotional world, your strong emotions and intensity may also be felt as a threat to them. So, to protect themselves, they make you think that you are in the wrong for showing your feelings and speaking your truth. Because you have internalized the message that your natural self is a threat to others and that your parents would “love you less” if you continue to take up space, you have been conditioned to mute yourself.

Do you feel haunted by the need to be ‘productive’ at all times and feel terrible when you cannot work for any reason? You have the right to be imperfect and accepted for who you are, even if you have flaws and limitations. When others criticize you unfairly, you must learn to defend yourself. At the same time, accept compliments graciously. You could say “thank you” or “I value that,” but refrain from downplaying the praise or responding in a self-deprecating manner. This may initially feel unpleasant. You may believe you are arrogant or egotistical, but this is not the case. In contrast, accepting a compliment can mean a great deal to the person who offered it. They would be pleased that their genuine sentiment was taken. Daydreaming, however awesome it is, is passive. It happens in your head. Learning to make dreams real is another matter, and I think it should be the work of your life. Everyone’s life, whatever their dream (unless their dream is to be an axe murderer or something.) In a healthy relationship, what you exchange is balanced and not overly skewed one way. Thus, you shouldn’t always be the listener or supporter but also have room to ‘take’ other people’s support, listening, and time.

There is a lot of research that suggests that the way we hold our bodies can have an impact on our minds. For example, adopting a posture of confidence can make you feel more confident, while keeping yourself in a shrinking posture can make you feel insecure. One way to take up space physically is to focus on your posture, on lengthening your spine and broadening your shoulders. That is how taking up space in a healthy way looks like. You may also observe how leaders, public speakers and confident people compose themselves. Becoming more aware of your body and learning to express yourself can help you feel more powerful and in control. When you take up space, you communicate that you have a place in the world and that your voice deserves to be heard. Daniell Koepke is the author behind the Internal Acceptance Movement (I. A.M.). In her first poetry collection, Daniell gives voice to the fear and anxiety, as well as the perseverance and strength, that has been fundamental to her own personal growth journey and the path to deeper and more meaningful self-love and acceptance. In her own words, this book is for 20the 17-year-old Daniell who was convinced she was worthless who was convin