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Diagnostic question #23. With your new, more complete, more realistic set of information about what it would be like to leave, have you discovered new, more probable realities that now make leaving seem easier, more attractive, and make staying no longer desirable? I imagine most readers of Mira Kirshenbaum's "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" are leaning towards the going. Most of us tend not to mess with the good, or spend time analyzing why we feel bliss; rather we seek out deeper understanding only when something hurts. Human nature, I suppose. Take notice only when life becomes a pain. But as I read Kirshenbaum's easy to absorb guide on fencesitting relationships, I realized this is a good read even for the best of relationships. Even for those currently between relationships. Why not gain understanding as a preventative measure and avoid the iffy relationship entirely?
Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step by Step Guide to Help You Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step by Step Guide to Help
Dudé un par de veces de si agregar este libro a mi "estantería" digital del libros pública, y más aún dudé si debía compartir mis impresiones abiertamente. Al final decidí compartirlo porque hay dos temas de los que casi nadie habla, pero que a todos nos causan problemas en algún momento u otro de nuestra vida adulta. Los dos temas son el dinero y las finanzas personales; y las relaciones personales (amorosas, de amistad, familiares). Saber que no se está solo es muchas veces lo único que se necesita para sentir que no es el fin del mundo y que esos problemas tienen solución. There are studies to show that some of the people we like best in our lives are the people we started out not liking so much.” Feeling love doesn’t mean that your perceptions are accurate or that the realities warrant your feelings. In other words, feelings are not necessarily appropriate just because you have them.” This book was amazing in helping me decide what to do about the ambivalent relationship I have been in for over 5 years!!!!Diagnostic question #4. If God or some omniscient being said it was okay to leave, would you feel tremendously relieved and have a strong sense that finally, you could end your relationship? You never do what you say you’re going to do.” This is where the issue of trust comes up in relationships. When people make agreements and then break them, the relationship is not only a place of fighting and deprivation, it’s a place of betrayal. No fairy dust here, but a real chance for healing what Kirshenbaum calls ‘the pain and waste of relationship ambivalence.’”— Minneapolis Star Tribune This is a time to be brutally honest: do you have the characteristics that’ll make it relatively easy to find dates?
Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay - Penguin Random House Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay - Penguin Random House
Some questions focus on qualities that make a relationship a positive experience: Do you have an unique sexual attraction to your partner? Is there a demonstrated capacity and mechanism for genuine forgiveness in your relationship? Diagnostic question #10. Have you gotten to the point, when your partner says something, that you usually feel it’s more likely that he’s lying than that he’s telling the truth?
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Instead, this book takes the approach of asking a series of questions. Some questions focus on what we might think of as minimum qualities for a relationship: When the relationship was at it's best, was it really very good? Does your relationship support your having fun together? The more we try to weigh the mountain of facts and feelings we’ve accumulated, the more confused we get. The more confused we feel, the less we trust ourselves. The less we trust ourselves, the more we feel we have to wait, allowing more confusing evidence to pile up. This is where relationship ambivalence becomes a self-perpetuating trap.” 4. Issue: If You’ve Already Decided to Leave Diagnostic question #21. In spite of all the ways you’re different, would you say that deep down or in some respect that’s important to you your partner is someone just like you in a way you feel good about? Disclosure: I doubted whether to add this book to my Goodreads collection, as the subject could be considered highly personal. However, reading books about relationships, or processes, doesn't necessarily mean that something is.. good... or.. bad... or... even happening. Reading books about zombies: does that make me want to eat human flesh? The majority of question focus on "deal-breakers", or characteristics that predict an unhappy relationship: Has there been more than one incident of physical violence in your relationship? Do you have a basic, recurring, never-completely-going-away feeling of humiliation or invisibility in your relationship? Have you gotten to the point, when your partner says something, that you usually feel it's more likely that they are lying than they are telling the truth?
Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay - Apple Books Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay - Apple Books
I wish someone had handed me this book 10years ago. If you are tired of the limbo life of “Should I stay or should I go?”, this book will give wings to whatever answer is already in your heart. Please do yourself a favor and buy it, even if you don’t read it now, you’ll have it when you need it. A guideline that says your relationship is too bad to stay in overrules any guidelines that say your relationship is too good to leave.
12. Issue: Differences Between You
This book was sitting in my queue for over 5 years, and I FINALLY got to read it. All I can say is that if I had read the book when I first discovered it and went through all the diagnostic questions laid out in the book, then I would have identified myself as being in the ‘relationship ambivalence” state a long time ago and did something about it a lot sooner. For each item on your list ask yourself, “Is this true?” “Is this likely?” Then ask yourself, “What else is possible?” “What’s most likely?” How do your relatives feel about what you’re wanting to do? Will they provide moral support? Perhaps more important, will they actually deliver the practical or financial support they might have been promising? These then are the four mechanisms that make people feel it’s just too hard to get their needs met:
Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guid… Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guid…
Kirshenbaum ask, when it counts for you, do you really like your partner the way you like a friend or someone else you feel comfortable and happy being with? Diagnostic question #22. With your new, more complete, more realistic set of information about what it would be like for you if you left, have you discovered new, more probable realities that now make leaving seem impossibly difficult or unpleasant?Diagnostic question #8. Do you have a basic, recurring, never-completely-going-away feeling of humiliation or invisibility in your relationship? Diagnostic question #7. Does your partner bombard you with difficulties when you try to get even the littlest thing you want; and is it your experience that almost any need you have gets obliterated; and if you ever do get what you want, is getting it such an ordeal that you don’t feel it was worth all the effort? On the other hand, if one has a relationship where they feel supported, they can trust their partner, where both parties are attracted to each other and enjoy touching each other, and they think their partner is truly a good person, it is likely that the bad parts in the relationship can be overcome and that the good is enough to make the relationship worth staying in. You destroy self-trust every day you give yourself the message that you’re not able to figure out what’s best for you. Diagnostic question #30. Is it likely that, if you have a reasonable need, you and your partner will be able to work out a way for you to get it met without too painful a struggle?
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