The Love Prescription: Seven Days to More Intimacy, Connection, and Joy

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JG: But a little bit of turning toward leads to more turning toward and more turning toward, so you can really have very low standards and you find if you do it for a week, you want to do it more because it feels good to be appreciated, to not be so alone, to be seen, to not be invisible. The Love Prescription distills their life’s work into a bite-size, seven-day action plan with easy, immediately actionable steps. There will be no grand gestures and no big, hard conversations. There’s nothing to buy or do to prepare. Anyone can do this, from any starting point. JG: Right. I read the New York Times every morning, and they’ve been having a series on talking to strangers and how when people do a commute in the morning or even on the train, they prefer to stay inside their own minds or they’re listening to music, and that people who make the choice to talk to strangers find it immensely rewarding. “This person is really a lot like me.” A road map toward a better marriage. . . . The authors have devised simple practices designed to teach partners how to relate to each other in productive ways. . . . Warm encouragement for healing troubled relationships.”

BB: Okay. So be reasonable. So just try. “Sure.” God, that’s such a good habit to do because like when my kids interrupt my work or something, because I work from home, which has been like the source of so much conflict with all the couples I know. I’ve really learned to say, “Oh, I’m really excited about that. I want to hear all about it. I’m going to need three minutes to finish this up.” JSG: And his leather hat. Oh my God, there it was. Yep, my vision of perfection. There he is. He still wears the same hat. Think you can’t make relationship changes in a week? Drs. John and Julie Gottman say, yes, actually, you can—and they have 40 years of breakthrough research on marital stability and divorce prediction to prove it. . . . This book feels so hopeful because it’s direct, it’s really honest, and it’s so actionable.”My partner and I will never divorce — we’re not married. However, as we stagger towards the eight-year mark Terence and I have become subject to, if not a seven-year itch then a certain energyless exasperation.

BB: So, let me ask this next question, and this is where I was like, “Whoa, I wrote all on the side of this.” Can I really make a difference at all in my relationship in seven days? What have y’all learned?JG: Personally, I want to know what she needs, and if she tells me what she needs this week, I know what to do, and I’m off the hook. [laughter] I just have to do those things. And whenever I ask her what she needs, I always get a list. [laughter] And I’m very grateful to have a list. JG: That’s a very small thing, pretty small change, and I didn’t realize that I was just not responding.

JG: Yeah, I want to say one thing about that, which is that the largest study ever done on love was done with 70,000 people in 24 different countries, and they just had the question, “What’s different about the people who say they have a great sex life, and people who say they have an awful sex life?” And it had to do with… Not with what goes on in the bedroom. The people who have a great sex life say “I love you” every day and mean it. They kiss each other for absolutely no reason whatsoever, passionately. They give compliments, they give surprise gifts, they cuddle with one another regularly. They’re affectionate even in public, and these simple things make the difference between having a great love life and having an awful love life. And it was a very surprising set of studies, and it was true everywhere on the planet, every place: Argentina, China, Spain, Italy, Canada, even parts of New Jersey. Hi! You’re listening to Small Things Often from The Gottman Institute, where we talk you through research-based tips to help improve your relationships in 5 minutes or less. They have poor self-awareness and struggle to share their feelings because they don't understand their internal emotional state. JG: Logistics, and they never really said, “How are you? Are you having fun? Is there enough adventure in your life? Is there enough playfulness? Is there enough humor? Joy? What do you need? What are you all about?” And they didn’t have those conversations, and so they just ignored the relationship and worked hard, looked at the children, tended to the children, got the to-do list done, and drifted further and further apart. JSG: Yeah. Little bit better. “Would you be willing to contribute at least 10 minutes a day to our relationship? Would that be okay? Would you be willing to do that? 10 minutes a day.” That’s not so hard. That’s not such a big deal.Your partner may naturally struggle to identify their moods, but you can help them gain a better understanding of themselves by labeling their feelings. For example, if your partner has an angry outburst due to something that's happened at work, you can channel empathy and affirm their emotions, explaining why they're angry based on the circumstances. Final words JG: Suddenly you see that there’s so much to be grateful for, everyday things, very small things, but they’re huge, really, when you notice them. And suddenly you go, “Wow, I’m loved. Somebody really loves me.”