The Madness of Grief: A Memoir of Love and Loss

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Asked what David was like, Coles says his partner brought out the best in him. “I have to be right, and think things through, and work out my position,” says Coles.

For man who has chronicled his own tempestuous journey so poignantly in two volumes of memoir, witnessed so many of his friends succumb to AIDS, had personal encounters with depression, and is such a skilled observer and commentator, it’s no surprise that Coles has recorded the events of his husband’s death and the first year of his own agony with such style and craft. The Madness of Grief is honest, beautiful, and compelling. But it’s not a guidebook, nor some clerical or first-hand manual on how to deal with the numbing ache of bereavement. The Madness of Grief: A Memoir of Love and Loss, by The Reverend Richard Coles (Weidenfeld & Nicolson, April 2021) So, what was I expecting? Given the title of the book, I was expecting a good smattering of madness and some understanding of how Richard's faith had helped him to deal with grief. I didn't receive either. Instead, I got a number of pretty mundane stories of the his life, including a number of name dropped celebrities. If I hadn't known from the title, I am not certain that I would have appreciated that he is a man of the cloth.A bit rich coming from you, you may think, but Christianity does not offer you a palliative or an escape from this. On the contrary, it insists on the fact of death; without it, there’s no hope of a new life beyond that last horizon. For some that means Aunt Phyllis and the family spaniel bounding towards them across the springing meadows of eternity to greet them. For others, me included, it conjures no cast of best-loved characters, no misty shore, or flowery field, but something more like geometry. Moving and candid, this book will resonate with anyone who has lost a loved one, or has had to cope with someone they love whom they just cannot help— I NEWSPAPER

Coles' faith is, unsurprisingly for a vicar, central to his life and his understanding of the world. I found his attitude self-aware and unpushy - the best possible way to outline one's religion. Interestingly, however, the passages from the bible or other Christian tracts which moved him so deeply did nothing for me. I found Coles' own writing about his husband beautiful, and the poems he drew on affecting, but reading this book made me reflect on how cold religion leaves me. This is the most beautiful love poem I've ever read. It is a song to love of a partner, love of nature, love of dogs, love of God and love of love.

He says he never had any issue reconciling his faith and his sexuality – being gay was just “a variation on the universal theory of human sexuality” – and he has had nothing but support from his congregation and his C of E bosses (although some parishioners did leave Finedon when he was appointed vicar in 2011). The Church of England’s stance on LGBT equality, in particular same-sex marriage, has left Coles struggling to represent it at times, however. It's the first time that Reverend Coles - who is vicar of St Mary the Virgin in Finedon, Northamptonshire - has revealed that it was caused by alcohol addiction. I enjoyed the writing style; it felt natural and mostly flowed well. Much much better than the fiction I've read by the same author. I thought he hit a good balance of tone. Whilst the book was directly about the death of Richard's partner and the turbulence of grief that followed, there was joy to be found in anecdotes, and it was lovely to learn about David's character and enthusiasms. It was interesting to read about such a personal event through the eyes of a "celebrity"; obviously various pros and cons.

This is the second book I read of Panayotis Cacoyannis and I must declare myself her fan. In the first instance, I really like the imperfect construction of its characters that reveal a deep humanity in each of them. In this case, the protagonist, despite being a girl of sixteen, reveals an impressive maturity that feels very true and that makes us witnesses of her passage to the sexual maturity as she tells us the life and the personalities that conform her immediate social circle and how the death of her mother, an event of the past, influences them.A perfect mix of intenseness and humour the writer is a truly funny women. Writing about what is often quite a dark subject the humour too is often dark or taboo but it is written so cleverly and with such finesse that I couldn’t help but be put into fits of laughter multiple times. For cost savings, you can change your plan at any time online in the “Settings & Account” section. If you’d like to retain your premium access and save 20%, you can opt to pay annually at the end of the trial. Again, I feel spoiled, having read such a wonderful piece of art. As I read the book, the words seemed to melt into my mind and put me in the place as Jane. The author somehow can put himself in the place of Jane, as well... even as a 16 year old girl. He can, seemingly magically, grasp the most inward feelings of all the characters and lead you through a maze of grief, surprise, unrest, fright, and happiness. In the book, he takes care to capture as well many of the quieter, less dramatic, sillier moments that defined the experience for him. David’s insistence, when the paramedics wheeled him away, that Coles remember to bring his sewing, not his knitting, to the hospital. Those squeamishness selfies he took with Strictly fans in A&E (“Do us a twirl, Rev!”) and, later, the cheerless McDonald’s breakfasts and Costa coffees consumed while waiting on the ward. He had an incongruous conversation about, of all things, the Liverpool manager Jürgen Klopp with an administrator while he was registering David’s death.

David left quite a wake behind him, and I wanted to feel it still. I found I couldn’t read, couldn’t watch telly, and couldn’t concentrate on anything. Then I began to sit in the garden as the weather improved, on a beanbag, and one day I saw flowers blossoming, the garden coming to life, and all of that was the result of David’s work. It was as though he was there. You don't need to be religious to find comfort in this book. Anybody who has experienced a similar complex grief will relate to many of Coles's anecdotes— Helen Brown, THE DAILY TELEGRAPH Rev Coles could now have known that he would be writing about my own story - not just the grief, but his and my partner having to yell "Do you not get it?" Whether it is pastoral care for the bereaved, discussions about the afterlife, or being called out to perform the last rites, death is part of the Reverend Richard Coles's life and work. But when his partner the Reverend David Coles died, shortly before Christmas in 2019, much about death took Coles by surprise. For one thing, David's death at the early age of forty-three was unexpected. The RRP is the suggested or Recommended Retail Price of a product, set by the publisher or manufacturer.

Even in a civil partnership, priests must commit to celibacy. “It’s just ridiculous but it’s where we are,” says Coles, who has always spoken candidly about the fact that he and David were celibate. “It kind of worked and it was OK for us, it sort of suited our lives. But I minded having to.” Coles is still adjusting to the quietness of a household that has recently halved in size. David’s death at 42 was unexpected, the result of an underlying health condition that had caused internal bleeding. When he was rushed to A&E in an ambulance for surgery, Coles assumed it was just another day; he had a carol service that evening to prepare for. But David never recovered from the operation. Set in 1969, sixteen year old Jane is our central character. Her story - the loss of her mum at a young age, finding out more than she should about her fathers ‘unusual’ girlfriend and her own feelings for her friend Karl. The book is a story of loss, but also a captivating tale of a romance – it has to be, because without understanding the depth of love we can’t fathom the clawing darkness of losing it. That symbiosis, that paradox, is the foundation of an intimate partnership, and one part of it can’t be had without the other.