The 69 best dick jokes: Funny joke book

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I told my physical therapist that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places. The Cashier responds : “ I am sorry, Mr Johnson, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them. ” What did the writer say to his pen? “Don’t be silly, wrap your ink, Willy! We don’t want any smudged words!”

A young man goes to see his doctor and the doctor tells him, "You need to stop masturbating?""Why?" the man asks. "Because I'm trying to examine you." What did the fashion designer say to the model? “Don’t be silly, wrap your scarf, Willy! We don’t want any fashion faux pas!” My Grandpa said, “Your generation relies too much on technology!” I replied, “No, your generation relies too much on technology!” Then I unplugged his life support. What did the painter say to his brush? “Don’t be silly, wrap your bristles, Willy! We don’t want any paint splatters!” As a teenager I was confused that there was lots of different words for ‘sex’. I thought each of the words for ‘sex’ meant something distinct. I thought there were many more different kinds of sex things that I was going to have to get my head around before I became an adult. But then I realised that most of them referred to the same sort of basic penis penetration stuff. And that’s how I came to understand the richness of the English language.” – David Mitchell

Some of the greatest one-liners have come in response to a specific situation or person, like Winston Churchill’s famous (though possibly apocryphal) riposte to Nancy Astor’s line “If I were your wife, I’d put poison in your tea.”–“Madame, if I were your husband, I’d drink it.” Many historical figures have met death bravely with a witty line. Sir Thomas More, condemned by Henry VIII, mounted the scaffold telling his executioner, “I pray you Mr Lieutenant, see me safe up; and for my coming down, let me shift for myself.” I’m not saying it’s a bad gag, but contemporary reports say he died on stage… In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did.

What do you call a man with no arms or legs floating in a swimming pool with a monastery on his head? A woman is walking down the street, when she crosses a corner in which a drunk man is leaning. Seeing her, the man screams: you’re one ugly gal!There ́s no way she believed you!” He shakes his head again. “How old did you tell her you were, then?” One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without an ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the Thames into a cup of tea held by the bank's chairman without spilling a drop. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque. The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I’d like to masturbate in the cup. I said, “Well, I’m pretty good, but I don’t think I’m ready to compete just yet.” What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present? Thanks—I'll never part with it. On The Big Fat Quiz of the Year] “I’ve answered at tedious length. ‘Tedious Length’ is also my porn name.” – David Mitchell

One-liners are usually based on your expectations of language. And the English language in particular is a tremendous mongrel! What is even worse than waking up after a party and finding a pen*s was drawn on your face? Finding out it was traced. Why did the astronaut disregard the slogan “Don’t be silly, wrap your willy” during a spacewalk? Because he believed in the protection of his spacesuit gloves! My Mum told me the best time to ask my Dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I’d ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying, ‘Can I have a new bike?’ He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.” – Jimmy Carr (Photo: BBC) Ok, ok, I was at a friend ́s house and we were watching a Christian film…” The detector beeps. “Fine! It was a p*rn!”Why did the farmer ignore the advice to “Don’t be silly, wrap your willy”? Because he believed in the natural pollination of his crops! Just as the hawk flies over the green, a lightning bolt blazes down from the sky and strikes it. As it falls to the ground, it drops the gopher, who drops the ball. The ball hits the ground and rolls right into the hole.

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return. Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple: What’s the difference between a man with a big penis and a small penis? The big one doesn’t need to make excuses for being small. My wife gave me a handjob the other day using Vaseline. I came three times trying to wash that shit off. Bruce Willis was offered a role in the new Star Wars film, but turned it down to concentrate on action films Because you know what they say about old habits...Give it to me! Give it to me!” she yelled. “I’m so wet, give it to me now!” She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella. I didn’t have sex at all, not a scrap til I was 67. And that was cos I’d no small change for the window cleaner.” – Victoria Wood