No More Mr. Nice Guy

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Information that does fit our paradigm is magnified by the process, adding even greater support for that particular way of believing. By taking matters into their own hands – by practicing healthy masturbation – recovering Nice Guys can change the most basic dynamics that shape the bigger picture of how they do sex.

Its merits are not worth wasting time on or being exposed to its toxic defects, and can all be gained from much less problematic sources. If we rely on psychology at all, it has to be multiply replicated results, high powered results, very strong effect sizes, well-constructed causation studies, indisputably documented phenomena, or the like. In essence, psychology as a field spends more time giving men fish (often poisonous fish at that), rather than teaching them to fish. They conclude that there must be something wrong with them, which causes the important people in their lives to abandon them. In other words, fallacious reasoning is easy to get to, yet will kill you less often than delay and indecision.

You also need to actually be a good person—considerate and honest and reliable, a reasonable and responsible adult—and you need to actually—genuinely— care about knowing who your partner really is, and what they really think and feel.

The charitably correct way to read what he means is more nuanced: that you should not try to be perfect, that you need to have a realistic idea of—and be honest about—your flaws and limitations, but still endeavor to recognize and change those that really are bad for you and others around you. Which probably comes down again to money: good studies, good methods, large and genuinely randomized samples, all cost money, and no one really funds psychology (as opposed to, say, medicine, chemistry, physics, climatology—pretty much every other science). Be honest and open and communicative and direct, with yourself as well as anyone you want to bond with. Before we evaluate any purported “psychology of men,” I have to set the foundation of where I am with respect to even just psychology. Women consistently tell me that even though they may be initially drawn to a nice guy’s pleasing demeanor, over time they find it difficult to get excited about having sex with him.I fully agree this profile contains nothing good in it, and is a great list for a person to check off as not being that. The charitably correct way to read what he means is more nuanced: that you should be respectfully open about what you need and want, and actually negotiate for it, with someone you are treating as your equal. g. “ Nice Guys are dishonest” because they “hide their mistakes, avoid conflict, say what they think people want to hear, and repress their feelings” and “ Nice Guys are secretive” because they “are so driven to seek approval” that they “will hide anything that they believe might upset anyone” (which is more or less the same thing), “ Nice Guys are manipulative” because they “tend to have a hard time making their needs a priority and have difficulty asking for what they want in clear and direct ways” so they use indirect ways (which, indeed, too many people really do not realize is by definition manipulative), “ Nice Guys are controlling,” and “ Nice Guys have difficulty setting boundaries,” and they are transactional (they think everything is tit-for-tat) and rationalizing (they will “rationalize” their own bad behavior) and so on.