How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids

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Yes, motherhood is challenging, but it’s also possible to completely transform how this experience feels. It really does help to calm me down when my husband says, “So what I’m hearing is you’re upset that I sat on the couch while you made dinner, checked homework, and emptied the dishwasher. The material on this site may not be reproduced, distributed, transmitted, cached or otherwise used, except with the prior written permission of Condé Nast. What we observe as “normal” in our households has a profound impact on children and what they will perceive to be normal in adulthood.

If your husband has a better relationship with his phone than he does with his baby, you need to hit him with this book—and then ask him to read it.How Not To Hate Your Husband After Kids tackles the last taboo subject of parenthood: the startling, white-hot fury that new (and not-so-new) mothers often have for their mates. Believe it or not, a study of 25,000 people published in the journal Social Psychological and Personality Science found that the happiest couples had sex once a week — and that was true if the subjects were young or old, male or female.

Which brings me to Jancee Dunn’s new book How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids, which she wrote after a crisis in her own marriage involving division of labor, anger, vicious fights, and finally, the realization that if things didn’t change, divorce was inevitable. SELF may earn a portion of sales from products that are purchased through our site as part of our Affiliate Partnerships with retailers.And I’m certain that this period—when we are in the thick of responding to the needs of our tiny, beautiful humans, with a little less time and patience for one another—will strengthen the bond we’ve built, and deepen our ability to empathize.

To me, she continues, “and maybe it will help that person get out of their marriage—to ask themselves, ‘why am I letting myself be treated like this? I try to remember what couples counselors John and Julie Gottman told me, “Small things often” — meaning that those minor, everyday gestures of affection matter more than things you do every once in a while. We also realized how important it is to describe the problem we were having without judgment or blame and state clearly what we needed. Jancee Dunn blends marital advice from real experts with her down to earth folksy wit in How Not To Hate Husband After Kids. Yes, your sex life often takes a hit after a baby — but what is less discussed is how important nonsexual touching is to keep your relationship tight.Talking about finances can be kind of uncomfortable for some people, but it is so important to talk through a budget and stick to it. I stood up, furious, speechless: My teeth meeting like magnets, the pressure radiating along my jaw. Trust me, the usual hollering and retorting, although effective, might do your marriage more harm than good. While there are small pieces within Dunn’s book that I don’t personally align with, I would recommend it to anyone about to embark on parenthood that wants to be purposeful about not letting gender roles dictate their relationship.