The Love Prescription: Seven Days to More Intimacy, Connection, and Joy

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JG: Yeah. We need a cookbook and that has the recipes in it, and tells you just how to do it, and that’s what we try to do, is create a cookbook. I love to cook, and I’m learning how to bake bread now and how to make better sauces, and how to use the clay cooker better, and so I really like cookbooks and… Well, we need a relationship cookbook too, and that’s what we wrote. JSG: Yes, that totally makes sense. Our connection that’s built through turning towards and really responding to each other builds this feeling of, “We exist on the same planet.” [laughter] We’re still together here facing a world that is less than perfect by a long shot. Here we are as a team, “I’m not alone.” And I know for a fact, and our research as well as that of others, has shown that the best stress reliever in the whole wide world isn’t solving somebody else’s problem, giving them suggestions for what to do. It’s simply listening, showing interest, and showing empathy, which helps the person who’s stressed feel less alone. And feeling less alone is what drops the stress. Because there’s nothing worse than feeling alone in the face of stress. BB: Yeah, just to go to turn toward Steve or someone to turn toward their partner and say, “Here’s The Love Prescription: Seven Days To Intimacy, Joy, and Connection, and I want these things. And will you do this with me?” BB: Yeah, no, I mean, I study those words for a living. I just wrote a book on the definition of those words and what they mean, but if you were to say to me, or my therapist says to me, “Try more this.” I’m like, “What exactly does that look like?” If you’re directing a movie and you want an actor to do this with another actor, what is the physicality of that step? What exactly do you say? Where does your right arm go? You know why? Because it feels like I just keep screwing it up, and there’s nothing more painful about trying to connect and seeing it in my eyes and his eyes, but missing in every time.

JSG: Yeah. That’s really true. It doesn’t have to lead to conflict. Even if you ask what your partner’s dream is for the next three years, and it’s your nightmare, first, you’ve got to understand, where is that dream coming from? BB:“We’re going to tell you to first go out and…” Well, you use an analogy of, “Make a mud pit and have some fun,” because you talk about a really uptight couple that was assigned to have a mud fight, which I loved. Wow, this is like… I as someone who works in leadership and organizational development, I know this like I know my name. It’s like, “Stop catching people doing things wrong and start catching people doing things right.” Because it’s so much better to compound those great behaviors by catching people doing things right, even when you’re using their strength to turn around another behavior. JG: Yeah. Also, another motivation was, we know how to get people to change, but part of it is that it seems like it’s so hard to change your relationship. So we wanted something that people could do in just one week, a little bit at a time. So that they can get the ball rolling, and once you get the ball rolling. Then you’re on a different trajectory in life. JSG: That’s right. And at the time, she in one session, and after about five sessions said to John, you know what, John, you can simply say no to her. You don’t have to fulfill her request, you can just say no, and that’s okay. JSG: You have to realize that when you tell your partner what you’re needing, you are showing your partner, you’re giving your partner the message that you are the one that is trustworthy, you are their hero. Because you’re asking for something you need just from them. You may not trust anybody else. You’re asking it from them, so you’re making them feel important.JG: Yeah. She was all about creating boundaries, and she said relationships are about creating boundaries between one another. And I thought, that doesn’t make sense to me. I don’t want a relationship where I create boundaries that Julie can’t cross. So, I asked Julie, “Do I sound like her?” And Julie said, “Yes, you do.” So, we left, and we fired the therapist, and we started talking about why is this so important to Julie? JSG: John and I, for example, almost every day, ask each other one simple question, “What’s on your mind and heart today?” Most of the time…

They make insensitive remarks, failing to read the room due to low levels of empathy and other awareness. Successful long-term relationships are created through small words, small gestures, and small acts. Every Monday and Wednesday morning, we’ll talk you through research-based tips to help improve your relationships in five minutes or less. JSG: I think another part of it is that as children, most of us have been raised with criticism. Criticism is used oftentimes to control a kid’s behavior. BB: To love somebody, to ask to be loved, to see people, to want to be seen, and to talk about that. And I think to show your inner map is vulnerable. I think to ask to see someone’s, is vulnerable. So, if it feels like it’s hard, it’s because you’re being brave, right? You’re being brave with your heart. BB: No, and not good for… We know the data now, not good for physical health, emotional health, neurobiological health.JSG: Yeah, yeah, that makes sense. If you say, “All it’s going to take is 10 minutes a day, would you be willing…” Dr. John Gottman began systematically observing couples in his first lab at the University of Illinois in the 1970s.