Living with the Dominator

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I am Pat Craven a former probation officer who ran perpetrator programmes for Merseyside Probation Service in the UK between 1996 and 1998. I concluded that the programmes could have been much more successful if they were run in a different style and by a different agency which was not subjected to the same constraints as a statutory body. I also realised that abusive men do not understand their own behaviour. They do not realise that they decide to use violence when they realise that their other tactics are failing. It’s quite a hard read at times especially if you’ve been through mental abuse but please persist. This situations really happen.

Women should be responsible for all childcare’ – moans when he has to ‘babysit’! Threatens to take the children away. This is now available with the supplementary work book ‘The Freedom Programme Home Study Course’. This workbook makes the Freedom Programme even more accessible." I have produced this manual in response to requests from hundreds of practitioners who have asked for a different approach to working with men who use violence against women.I published ‘Living with the Dominator’. I wanted to reach everyone who was unable to attend a Freedom Programme. The ‘Rules of the Game’ are the beliefs of The Dominator. This is how he expects women to behave! It is also how he thinks he should be able to behave! The Dominator has hundreds of ‘rules’. Lets look at a few of them: The Dominator uses various and numerous tactics to keep these rules in place. Here I have described some tactics The Dominator may use to keep each of the above ‘rules’ in place:

To introduce women to community resources such as Women's Aid, the Police Domestic Violence Unit, The Rape and Sexual Abuse Centre, local Colleges etc. The programme usually lasts for 11 or 12 weeks and is FREE. It provided by hundreds of agencies across the UK. Some of them are rolling so women can join at any time but this varies according to local needs, etc. Women are accused of ‘breaking the rules’. we may say ‘NO’!. We may say we are leaving. We refuse to have sex. We go to work. We make friends and go out to see them. It is worth pointing out that women do not actually know what the ‘rules’ are. They change constantly and what we think is a rule, ends up not being a rule. We don’t know what the right thing to say or do is and when we think we have worked it out, we are still wrong – hence the saying ‘Walking on eggshells’!The new Facilitator’s Manual is now available. It is in a simpler style and is designed to be used in conjunction with 'Living with the Dominator'. Thank you so much for all the support you have given me. You really have been amazing, and to be honest, I wouldn’t have been able to cope with Child Protection without you. The amount of strength you have given me is totally priceless, even with.. I knew Sharon as a work colleague over ten years ago. At the time, she was supporting vulnerable people, some of them were homeless due to domestic abuse and substance misuse. For me, assisting such people was what anyone in her role would be expect..

Really insightful book. I was aware of some aspects due to a previous job but would definitely recommend all to read this book, not just for yourself but to recognise friends or family members who may be suffering. I initially wrote the ‘Freedom Programme’ to educate women, girls, men and boys. Then in 2008 I published ‘Living with the Dominator’. I wanted to reach everyone who was unable to attend a Freedom Programme.I did the Freedom programme during a work placement at a refuge. I think it has good and bad points to be honest. It is really good for showing victims the different tactics used by perpetrators as well as the effects on victims and children. The weekly groups also help give a mutual support system to the survivors. As it is a rolling programme you can start the programme at any point and can catch up on any missed sessions when they are repeated. Women should believe and accept all the excuses he gives us for his abuse’ – uses the ‘only’ word! It was ‘only’ a slap, blames drink, stress, YOU! If The Dominator wishes to change his behaviour, he needs to change his beliefs about women. He needs to change the RULES OF THE GAME! The Programme was primarily designed for women as victims of domestic violence, since research shows that in the vast majority of cases of serious abuse are male on female.