Calm Parents, Happy Kids: The Secrets of Stress-free Parenting

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In the book, Laura gives many age-appropriate strategies on how you can help your child develop mastery, so definitely grab the book! Action steps for you: Seeing things from my son's point of view no matter how small or petty it seems to my adult mind is helping us both work through those difficult tantrums & times I just want to yell & tell him to shut up! As any parent of more than one child knows, it’s challenging for even the most engaged parent to maintain a peaceful home when competition, irritation and tempers run high.

I mean... what? What kind of magical time-bending world does she live in? And how detached from the reality of mothers' lives, either working or SAHMs, is this? Being told that every second with your children has to be about them, and every second away from you damages them emotionally, but also that you have to magically find all this time for self-care? WTF? I want to start by saying that I agree with 90-95% of what Dr. Markham has to say. Her thoughts on reducing stress, increasing connection and communication, and empowering our kids very much mirror how I parent my own kids (or at least how I aspire to parent!). I went into this wanting some help to yell less in my interactions with my elementary schooler and it was some help with that, although despite the stated intention of the book, this is largely aimed at the parents of toddlers and preschoolers. If your child wants to do something that he isn’t usually allowed to do, have a think if there is any way to do it safely since you are there to help him, I have turned into something of a parenting-book junkie since my daughter reached age 15 months and made me feel like I was losing my mind. You know the type...she would hit the dog, I would say no, then she would look me in the eye and punch the dog. Anyway, since then I have read at least 12 parenting books, and this book is definitely in my top 2. My only caveat is that I come from a long line of yellers, and I am doing my best, but sometimes my volume goes up. Dr. Markham teaches to never ever raise your voice, and I'm trying, but that's where my other top 2 book comes in: How To Talk So Kids Will Listen... (Faber and Mazlish). If you absolutely must raise your voice, they describe how to do it without ruining your kids. These books are quite complementary in my mind: Dr. Markham's is the big picture and How to Talk expounds on the details. If you don't read any other parenting books, please read these two. I just wish this one had been published when my daughter was born! De-stress. It’s much easier to be a calm parent when you have a repertoire of self-care habits that help to de-stress. Yoga, meditation, walking in nature – whatever makes you happier. Your non-anxious calm presence is the greatest gift you can give to your child.

Then! Part 2! Which opens with a statement that children in daycare more than 20 hours a week and/or who start daycare before age 3 will inevitably develop behavioral problems (if your kid meets both criteria, you might as well just set up a drug-rehab-in-high-school fund now), and goes downhill from there. She follows that up with saying that if you HAVE to work, then every second with your children has to be one in which you are giving them your undivided attention (even if you have more than one child, which I'm pretty sure violates the laws of physics). And she follows THAT by saying that "if you have to set an alarm, you're not getting enough sleep" and you're a bad parent for not practicing good self-care. My son recently turned 2 and it seemed overnight, he became easily frustrated and had a hard time calming down. There have also been times where he would not listen to me (like running away in public), and our time together would become a battle. I just knew there had to be a better way, but wasn't sure what to do. I've always considered myself (or aspired to be) a "peaceful parent," but that's not how I grew up, so I wasn't sure what to model for him. Well, this book has given me the tools and it's been an eye-opener! It's an easy read, and it explains so much! Instead of reacting to everything, PAUSE (the book tells you how, ha ha)! I've noticed a major difference in just a week--with myself, my marriage, and my son! Now, I get to be the parent I've always wanted to be: one who really enjoys her child and has internal peace. I always admired those moms at church who had 8 kids and seemed unfazed by the little things. Here I have one child, and couldn't seem to center myself. This book has been it for me! Being a peaceful parent can be achieved, fellow Moms and Dads! Obviously, it’s much harder to do when you have more than two children, but nothing is impossible. The whole point is to regularly have this quality one-to-one time with each of your children. Coaching, not controlling

Toddlers don’t enjoy tantrums, their brains are not developed enough to maintain rational control when emotions are high (103)To truly be in charge means having the power to create lasting and continued growth, not just exerting power or demanding obedience. It means controlling yourself no matter what, so you can better influence your children to make good decisions. I’ll say that again: To be in charge as a parent means controlling yourself so you can influence your kids. This makes for a radical shift, a shift away from controlling your kids’ behavior. Your goal is not to control. Your goal is to influence. Remember, you are not responsible for your children’s responses. You want to continually hold up and respect their ability to make choices, even choices you disagree with. Unless they’re free to make their own choices, they can’t learn the connection between choices and consequences.” Finally, the one big area I disagreed with this book was sleep training. Our ped recommended this book but also gave different instructions for sleep training :) One thing to remember is that there are no perfect parents. The whole point is to pay attention, pause before you act and manage your own stress. This is the way to GROWTH.

Regulate themselves. “Your own emotional regulation – a fancy way of saying your ability to stay calm – allows you to treat the people in your life, including the little people, calmly, respectfully, and responsibly.” And this, in turn, helps children become emotionally regulated, respectful, and responsible. It all starts with us. What we need to do is to become coaches: teach our children socio-emotional skills, teach appropriate behaviour and teach them life skills. Coaching, not controlling. “What raises great kids is coaching them – to handle their emotions, manage their behaviour, and develop mastery – rather than controlling for immediate compliance.” Any human being rebels against force and control, so trying to force your child into obedience is very short-sighted. By coaching, you teach your child all the necessary skills he needs to grow into a self-directed adult. If you are looking for a very practical book on positive parenting, Calm Parents, Happy Kids is a great start. Here Dr Laura Markham introduces an approach to parenting that eliminates threats, power struggles and manipulation in favour of setting limits with empathy and communication. Her big idea is that children’s behaviour only changes when their relationship with their parents changes. And this change is possible when we shift our perspective from controlling our children to coaching them.Teaching your children healthy emotional self-management and conflict resolution skills—so that they can work things out with each other, get their own needs met and respect the needs of others. Therefore, when you have some frictions with your child or face challenging behaviour, it’s most likely a signal that your relationship account is in red. Have a think about what contributed to this overdraft? What can you do to refill the relationship account with your child? Special time

What are your “triggers” – what your child does that makes you feel angry and frustrated? How can you be more mindful of them? This is THE book that was missing from my repertoire of gentle parenting resources. This is THE book that I read two times in a row while barely coming up for air. The is THE book that has actually showed me, in a palatable manner, how to be the patient, non-voice-raising mama I knew I could be. A few last thoughts, this is not a “Christian book.” However, it focuses on selfless love, grace (although she doesn’t use that word) and relationship over forced/detached obedience, which I believe aligns with Scripture.A lot of things in this book resonated with me, and in the few weeks that I've been incorporating the author's techniques into my parenting, I've seen many positive changes. My toddler will now ask for a hug when he starts getting upset, and I've staved off many tantrums with my new, gentler parenting style. The dirty little secret about punishment is that it doesn’t work to teach children better behaviour. In fact, studies show that punishment creates more bad behaviour. Not just that children who behave badly get punished more, but that children who get punished more will behave badly more often over time.”