Joined in 2023 
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63 About this deal
Cheaters make unilateral decisions about their victim’s health, welfare, and finances. And they act in secret, because chumps have value to them—value they want to continue extracting. Chumps can waste years in a marriage not knowing the truth about being defrauded. And so much of our culture wants us to think these costs are frivolous. Infidelity is the jolly subject of romantic comedies or women’s magazine articles about the naughty fun of being a mistress. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. Victimless crime!” I remember XH coming home years ago after teaching his first full semester and telling me how one of his female students came to his office, closed the door, and told him she was willing to “do anything” to raise her grade. I was totally offended. He told me he told her no and sent her on her way, but that really should have been my first clue that this kind of nonsense went on. I assumed it was the exception rather than the rule – clearly I was naive. If he had had a real conversation with me during those times, I am sure he would have ended up better off financially. I was still clueless and would have given him about anything he asked for.
We know pretty much all of us try to save our marriages. And in this case, he’s actually doing what she requested. Do I think he has pure motives? No. I’m sure it’s about keeping his family together and probably even more so about keeping his money together (my husband didn’t want a divorce and I know it was 99% about keeping his money together). But he is at least willing to undergo this public embarrassment to do it which is a lot more than most of these guys. I’m only telling my particular story here but I was never suicidal until I learned that my now-ex was having a long term affair with someone I knew. My ex was a professional. If he could find one person to enable him, he would continue living any lie. I did some research and found that sociopaths are vindictive if they are exposed. The one I married was.Ownership. See Humility. Real remorse wears the shame. Real remorse takes responsibility for the fallout. Real remorse is okay if you tell people, because you need the support. GINR wants you to protect its image. GINR blame shifts and says “we all brought issues to this marriage that led me to cheat.” GINR minimizes and obfuscates. I think my ex had the same plan. People called me paranoid for it but it just made sense. My ex slipped up and revealed he’d been actively planning to divorce me for at least the last six years of our 20 year marriage. That’s part of why I got alimony for ten years. During that six years, I quit a job that could support me and provided me with insurance because he didn’t want to help out at home and wanted a housewife. A couple years before the discard (right before I quit my job) I talked to him seriously worrying he wasn’t happy. I offered him an easy divorce if that’s what he wanted because I felt like he wasn’t happy and didn’t want to be around me. He sobbed, begged, pleaded, took time off work to spend time with me. All to reassure me he was all in and loved me. As the daughter of a father who killed himself by shooting himself in the head I also disagree that CL should change the wording to “died by suicide.” And when we did the bogus reconciliation, my first condition was that he had to quit working in that exercise program (by then, one of the women had left and the other had become owner of the company). He DID quit, and you know what? Big deal, he still kept right on cheating and lying like always.
Yes, the fact that he said that stuff to the assistant (if that was all in fact that had even happened) does not bode well for his wife. I’m not even saying the fact that he was willing to bow to her wishes in any way guarantees something similar (or worse) won’t happen in the future. Patience. Real remorse understands that repairing a relationship after infidelity is a long haul with dubious prospects. GINR wants to you to “get over it” already because hey, it said it was sorry. I think of it as the ‘boiling frogs’ analogy…you know, if you throw a frog into a pot of boiling water, they’ll jump right out…’cause it’s boiling! But if you put a frog into a pot that’s full of cool water, and only slowly, slowly raise the temperature, they stay in there and boil right up. Or so they say. (I haven’t the heart to actually find out.) When I told my husband, and asked him to get tested as soon as possible, it actually took him a couple weeks. He was just so busy traveling, you see. And it’s not like you can get tested just ANYWHERE. Ass. That was weeks of me having to wait and worry. Just one more injury to add to the long list.Recompense. I think that’s the hardest one to fake. You can’t just squeak by with a couple half ass comments on this one and get a pass.
EC, that argument doesn’t work. Saying how a person killed himself isn’t cruel. CL can’t possibly account for what might trigger every single person and edit accordingly. That would ruin everything we love about the blog. She tells the unvarnished truth. If that’s upsetting for you, it’s probably not the right place for you at this time. You may need more time to heal so you aren’t triggered so easily. I understand how you feel, though. Here’s what it all boils down to; we’re all adults here. Adults with varying levels of baggage, trauma, tolerance-levels, etc. Red, this story is making me so sad. What kind of personality can spend a life with you and NEVER EVEN BOND? Anyone know? Or is this just Narc 101?Hang in there, RCC. Painful as it is, I think it’s better to have tried a little too much, rather than a little not enough, to reconcile. Having tried too hard myself (albeit only for a couple of weeks), I can’t say I ever had any regrets about finally filing for divorce. I can look at my kids and know I did everything I could to save their original family. My first marriage only failed because I couldn’t control their POS mother, her lying, her cheating, her continued double life.
My karma dream is to tie him to a chair and gag him so he will be forced to listen to Everything I have to say and when I am finished he will get on his knees and beg forgiveness, to which I will reply F U ! My, my. For someone who grew up in an upper-middle-class environment and who continues to enjoy expensive taste, it sure is hilarious to see that he’s 100% Genuine Imitation Naugahyde. The only thing he did right, if you can call it that, are parts of number six, but I only think he did it because his parents expected him to do right by me. I have to wonder how much more he would have tried to screw me over if he wasn’t worried about their opinions. I needed “content note” at the beginning of your post to warn me of your impressive display of arrogance. Practice meh. The cruelest thing you can do to cheaters is pay no attention to them. Their little narcissist souls die every time a kibble is withheld. When you engage in drama, you’re filling the trough with ego kibbles. If you show them your pain, the only thing that registers with them is that they matter. They feel central! Pretty! Fought over! When you practice indifference, however, it unnerves them. They usually try to up their kibble game with “remorse,” or more in-your-face antics to get a rise out of you. (Feed me! Feed me!) Do not give in. Practice meh.” As several people have now pointed out, suicide prevention charities suggest trigger warnings and concealing methods of death when reporting on suicide. It isn’t difficult to grasp why”We here don’t “virtue signal” (were well acquainted with our faults) although we can tell a lapse in virtue when we see one. Chumps direct a lot of energy at trying to figure out cheaters and even more energy at blaming themselves, both of which are pointless” The “Infidelity is a symptom of larger marital issues” argument implies that if you “cure” the marriage, the infidelity will disappear. Aside from the fact that the majority of cheaters report that they are happily married, it’s not unhappiness that makes people cheat—it’s poor character. Yes, they may be unhappy. People often are. It’s what you choose to do about it.” Geeezzz… if they could do all of those necessary steps towards forgiveness, (and its a great list!) they wouldn’t have cheated in the first place. They would’ve understood that WHEN we would find out that we would be absolutely devastated and traumatized to the nth degree… at least that’s what I thought, every time I felt an attraction to another man. all I could see in my mind, was the look of horror on my dear husband’s face and I COULD NOT DO THAT TO HIM! (this was before D-day #1 when afterwards, everything ran amok)
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